Politeness is often praised as a social virtue, a signal of refinement and good upbringing. We teach children to say “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.” We admire people who speak gently, smile frequently, and avoid causing discomfort. Yet, despite its pleasant surface, politeness can be hollow—performed, rehearsed, and sometimes weaponized. Courtesy, meanwhile, is something deeper: an ethic of genuine respect for others. The difference, though subtle, is profound.
Politeness is behavior; courtesy is character.
Politeness is the right words; courtesy is the right intention.
Politeness avoids offense; courtesy offers care.
You see this everywhere—from offices to jeepneys, from cafés to family homes.
Take the daily commute. A well-dressed commuter steps into a crowded MRT. He says, “Excuse me po,” with perfect politeness as he squeezes past passengers—yet he does nothing when he sees an elderly woman standing unsteadily as the train jolts forward.
Polite? Yes. Courteous? No.
Or picture a coffee shop. A customer smiles at the barista, uses “please” and “thank you,” but grows visibly irritated when her drink takes too long. “Pwede pa-rush nalang?” she says sweetly, her tone polite but her intent dismissive of someone else’s stress and workload.
Again: Politeness without courtesy.
Courtesy demands something much harder than performative good manners—it requires empathy. It requires a willingness to inconvenience ourselves for the comfort of others. In a society obsessed with looking good, courtesy insists on being good.
It’s a distinction that matters enormously today, in a world where interactions are increasingly transactional and digital. Politeness can be automated—an email template, a chatbot response, a scripted call center line. Courtesy, on the other hand, cannot be faked. It is measured not by tone, but by action.
In family settings, the difference is even more striking. Think of a son speaking respectfully to his mother, calling her “Ma” in a gentle voice—but refusing to help wash the dishes after dinner.
Polite, but not courteous.
Meanwhile, the quiet sibling who doesn’t use flowery words or formal phrases—sometimes even blunt—automatically starts cleaning up without being asked.
Courteous, even if not traditionally polite.
The thin line between the two often becomes visible during moments of inconvenience or conflict. It is easy to be polite when everything is comfortable. It is easy to say “good morning” and “take care” when nothing is at stake. But courtesy reveals itself when patience is tested, when time is short, when tempers threaten to rise.
In the workplace, this distinction can be the difference between a toxic culture and a thriving one. Leaders who rely on politeness create environments where everyone looks civil but feels pressured to suppress real concerns. Leaders who practice courtesy, on the other hand, foster cultures of respect—where employees feel seen, heard, and valued.
Much of the world’s growing frustration with “fake nice” people stems from this gap. Politeness signals compliance; courtesy signals compassion. And compassion has become rare—precisely because it requires effort, awareness, and humility.
In Tagalog, we sometimes say “mabait sa harap, iba sa likod.” This is politeness without courtesy—a mask with nothing beneath it. Courtesy, however, is something Filipinos often express instinctively:
the stranger who holds the elevator open even when he’s rushing;
the teen offering her seat to a pregnant commuter without hesitation;
the officemate who stays behind to help you finish work, even without recognition.
These small, unglamorous gestures are the real threads of social harmony.
The thin line between politeness and courtesy is not merely academic—it defines how we relate to one another. A society that prioritizes politeness becomes obsessed with appearances. A society that values courtesy becomes invested in one another’s humanity.
In the end, the question is simple:
Do we want to be seen as pleasant, or do we want to be truly kind?
Politeness is the language of civility.
Courtesy is the practice of community.
And as the world becomes more divided, more distracted, more performative, perhaps what we need is not more polite people—but more courteous ones.
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by Othello 2025 | billymacdeus.com ®
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