Saturday, April 04, 2015

Of Love and Heartaches: Moving On After A break-up (2-easy steps)

Work is the best cure for worry. And for heartbreak, throw yourself into your tasks, and don't berate yourself for foolishness. Every man makes his share of mistakes in that area.
~Tom Badgerlock

One of my girl friends (a co-officer in church) texted me out-of-nowhere asking me how can she move on from the heartache that cost her relationship shatter in to pieces. Fast fact: a love affair ended 4 or 5 years ago.

I just couldn't believe it! I was thinking that anyone should be able to move on 6 months to 12 months max, that easy and smoothly. It 's still a gaping shock to think that spending that long process to accept the state of break-up could really dwindle in to a temporary infinity.

I had to call my friend that night and listen to her story (me doing a DR LOVE), and she confessed the wonderful love affair - a mind bending expectation that everyone feels when you are in love and the other person returns the love. It's an indescribable feeling, the cliche goes.

Given her rationale and the unquestioned status of how they love each other - at some point, her boyfriend suddenly fell out of love.

A period of silence between us, i could almost hear her heart beating, the inhale/exhale vibration. And from that point alone, without me seeing her in person, I was in total agreement that she is still in pain. That she couldn't get past through her past heartbreak.

Deep inside, i cursed the guy (although i don't know him). Well, as a matter of sympathy for my friend and not to despise on her current situation.

And so, my current of advice ripped in, through coaxing way of conveying to her.

1. Do you still love him?
- She said yes, i told her to stop loving him only when you had a closure ending negatively (read my explanation later for # 2). Easier said than done. True! But let's start it there, the conviction to teach your mind and heart to put an end to the feelings for that guy simply connects the nerve endings to be in alignment to your vision of really unloving the other person.

2. Did you guys have a closure?
- None yet. "patay tayo diyan..." laughingly i murmured. So i asked her to schedule a closure talk with him the soonest.

- She asked, "What am i going to say during the closure moment?"

a. Ask, "what made him fall out of love? "
  • Let him speak and elaborate. 
  • Do not defend or counter what he would say. 
  • After his statement, ask him what could have been done by you for it not to happen. 
  • Do not interrupt him or present your judgment. 
  • Remember, you are there not to argue or dispense your madness, you are there to further understand the root cause of why he fell out of love.

b. Ask, What are the possibilities of us getting back together?
- She answered with a big WHAAAT? when i said this. 
You were there too to try to win him back, let's be frank. 
  • The easiest way to solve a heartbreak is to patch up and make your heart see the normal status quo. The hardest way is to go the other way - nursing a broken heart.
  • It is not a symbol of degradation or losing self-respect especially for women to ask this question - it's actually a courageous act that strong women possess. (I had a similar case with my ex before and she asked me this, and i consider her that strong). 
  • The point of asking this question is to test the waters how's the possibility of reviving the relationship - which can be pondered later if it's worth reviving or not. (this is applicable primarily for men).

c. Ask, "How do you want us to treat each other?" (Whether he answered positively or negatively from question b).
  • This part is actually where setting of expectations come in to picture. 
  • You ask him first what are his expectations before you share yours. 
  • Of course, you know yourself more than anyone else, and make sure you assert your rules and not his rules. 
  • Following that direction, you are safe to be at peace with yourself when you will undergo the "moving on process" (incase he answered negatively), and you are also safe to secure your newly revived relationship (incase he answered positively).

d. Ask, "Can i kiss you one last time?"
  • I dunno if i was having the cupid imagination when i said this to her. 
  • But probably this is an optional item. But if i were a guy... who was heartbroken and i wanted her back soooooooooooooo badly, I'd beg and explain, for me to be at peace in the disengagement of our love story - i want to end it not with bitterness but a serene memory by parting it with a kiss.

Fast forward... we ended up laughing with my friend. I'm glad was able to relieve some of her burdens.

(feel free to get in touch if you have some queries, or call me for you to hear my deep bedroom voice) he he he he!

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